It had been over a week in Thailand. It was a thrill for me, being there with my husband who had left a refugee camp somewhere within 100 miles from where we dined almost thirty years before.
It was an experience of seeing my husband comfortable. More so than I ever had. I was in his territory now. It was listening to a conversation that I could not understand, watching the other person stop, nod and smile, and realizing they are commenting on how he has a white wife. I smiled back.
This man (the one I had spent a decade with) had lived most of his life as a foreigner, and I expected him to act like me. Now I was on his turf, seeing someone completely new.
It was a guessing game of "Is that woman really a man?" and realizing these beautiful men were people. It was a turn of the stomach at the sight of any old Caucasian man. "What are they here for?" I asked myself, knowing I was probably surrounded by brothels hidden away from tourists such as myself, but all too easy to find for those who wanted to. By the way, those perverts are people, too. As are their targets. Such a messy world we live in.
It was exotic plants and food, ancient architecture, geckos, and alone time with my husband. It was a whole lot to take into my eclectic mind. Yet in the back there remained a spot for Panya, my sponsored child who I was oh, so close to but did not have the time to see.
I planned almost every detail of the second week, hoping I could find time, but we already could not fit in everything we had to do. My heart ached. I finally had my husband to myself, yes! But besides my quiet time, I saw very little of my Jesus, and I ached for Panya.
And then the sound of the music playing, a guitar and "We are the World" sang in bad English. Young Thai people were asking for money for starving children. Christians, in fact. My companions were rolling eyes and almost angered, but I grabbed Sook's hand- "Give them something!" So he did.
"For Panya," I thought. I was happy. I was at peace.
I have no idea how they used the money. I hope it went for a good cause. They had given me some literature- but at that point I didn't care. I was so darn happy.
I look at this world through the eyes of someone that is not me- white, comfortably Christian, middle-class... I see it through my husband's eyes- one who converted. I see it through those that have been seriously hurt by Christians on a crusade, confused by religion, or simply not interested because, well, they are not white and middle class. "Christianity is a white man's religion..." I've heard more than once by my minority friends.
This world is far more complicated than I pretend to understand. I don't have the answers. I don't want a crusade. I don't want to be a Pharisee. I don't want religion. I want my Jesus. I am angered when he is misrepresented with legislation, media, and end-time prophecies. If we only really knew Him! I want the strength to love people even when I am not comfortable. I want no agenda, but simply obedience.
I don't want to feed and clothe Panya so he can survive. I want him to get a chance at life that he would not have had otherwise. A chance to make a difference. That is who Jesus was- or is- the difference maker. The game changer. They guy that blows your mind with his way of loving because it is beyond what my self righteous mind can scheme.
I want to follow my Jesus and see the results with joy when I am with Him at the end. That is what I want. But wanting and doing are very different things. I am finding that Jesus is complicated. He is mind-blowing holy and scum-loving at the same time. How do you follow that? Not with human thinking.
I'm not there, but I know where I want to be.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Count It All Joy (part 1)
In the book of James, he writes about counting trials as joy.
This is where we roll our eyes and sigh.
But... it is in the Bible, so maybe its possible- right?
James 1:2-8
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
After my husband lost a large part of our income, I immediately read this verse. I rolled my eyes. But before I slammed the Bible shut I considered that I may have something to learn here, and it turns out I did! So I would like to share a few things that we can have joy about.
The first thing to do is put a firm stamp right on the problem to declare something good (and by good, I mean fantastic) will come out of it.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
True, according to these verses fantastic things will come after we have been patient enough, eliminated doubting, and are living within the purpose of God. Sounds quite daunting in the midst of a trial. But then again, why would we want it any other way? This is our life- the only one we get. Is it worth it to shut up and endure while God works out His perfect plan? I dare say so, because worse than the trial is the thought of not experiencing the adventure of what I was made for.
Endure to see the fantastic.
This is where we roll our eyes and sigh.
But... it is in the Bible, so maybe its possible- right?
James 1:2-8
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
After my husband lost a large part of our income, I immediately read this verse. I rolled my eyes. But before I slammed the Bible shut I considered that I may have something to learn here, and it turns out I did! So I would like to share a few things that we can have joy about.
The first thing to do is put a firm stamp right on the problem to declare something good (and by good, I mean fantastic) will come out of it.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
True, according to these verses fantastic things will come after we have been patient enough, eliminated doubting, and are living within the purpose of God. Sounds quite daunting in the midst of a trial. But then again, why would we want it any other way? This is our life- the only one we get. Is it worth it to shut up and endure while God works out His perfect plan? I dare say so, because worse than the trial is the thought of not experiencing the adventure of what I was made for.
Endure to see the fantastic.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Peace in Bloom
The last 12 months may have taken off five years of my life. There were days where I would wake up in terror, wondering how I could get through the day myself not to mention that I had four children to care for.
I'm not sure what is more fearful, the cause of the fear or fear itself. It seems to overtake your thinking in all areas. I dare admit that the thing I feared is not nearly as horrible as what most women face in this world. For that, I was thankful and sometimes ashamed, because I'd let it get to me again.
But here is the good news: There is a peace to match the fear. That is a fact. No matter the circumstances, it is there and it is possible to attain. I knew that, but getting there was not always easy.
And then one day, it was. After 12 months of roller coasters, I didn't have to fight it anymore. I just believed. I didn't need to justify my thoughts or map out a game plan, I just was overtaken by hope and joy. My heart rested. My circumstances worsened. My heart rested. My heart rested.
My circumstances improved. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested. My prayers went up. They were answered. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested.
And what I 've began to realize that the fear has cost me my love for teaching, my creativity, my thanksgiving for my children, and whatever else had given me joy.
Fear steals, so find the truth. Hold on until it becomes an undeniable reality, because if you don't give up, peace will bloom. And with peace, we are able to make this world a bit better for someone else.
I'm not sure what is more fearful, the cause of the fear or fear itself. It seems to overtake your thinking in all areas. I dare admit that the thing I feared is not nearly as horrible as what most women face in this world. For that, I was thankful and sometimes ashamed, because I'd let it get to me again.
But here is the good news: There is a peace to match the fear. That is a fact. No matter the circumstances, it is there and it is possible to attain. I knew that, but getting there was not always easy.
And then one day, it was. After 12 months of roller coasters, I didn't have to fight it anymore. I just believed. I didn't need to justify my thoughts or map out a game plan, I just was overtaken by hope and joy. My heart rested. My circumstances worsened. My heart rested. My heart rested.
My circumstances improved. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested. My prayers went up. They were answered. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested.
And what I 've began to realize that the fear has cost me my love for teaching, my creativity, my thanksgiving for my children, and whatever else had given me joy.
Fear steals, so find the truth. Hold on until it becomes an undeniable reality, because if you don't give up, peace will bloom. And with peace, we are able to make this world a bit better for someone else.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Gifts
Every day a gift awaits, specifically designed for you on that particular day, you can expect that it will be there.
We miss it often, not looking for it, expecting something different, distracted by worries....
But if we live wide-eyed in anticipation, we see it. And it changes us.
The splendor of the sky, the color of a cardinal, the smile of a stranger, the unexpected blessings. These are gifts, but the gift is only as valuable as the thankfulness of the receiver. And the more thankful we are, the richer we become.
And the more glimpses we get of the giver, the creator, the one that knows what we need when we need it, today and forever.
What if we properly received every single gift?
We miss it often, not looking for it, expecting something different, distracted by worries....
But if we live wide-eyed in anticipation, we see it. And it changes us.
The splendor of the sky, the color of a cardinal, the smile of a stranger, the unexpected blessings. These are gifts, but the gift is only as valuable as the thankfulness of the receiver. And the more thankful we are, the richer we become.
And the more glimpses we get of the giver, the creator, the one that knows what we need when we need it, today and forever.
What if we properly received every single gift?
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