It had been over a week in Thailand. It was a thrill for me, being there with my husband who had left a refugee camp somewhere within 100 miles from where we dined almost thirty years before.
It was an experience of seeing my husband comfortable. More so than I ever had. I was in his territory now. It was listening to a conversation that I could not understand, watching the other person stop, nod and smile, and realizing they are commenting on how he has a white wife. I smiled back.
This man (the one I had spent a decade with) had lived most of his life as a foreigner, and I expected him to act like me. Now I was on his turf, seeing someone completely new.
It was a guessing game of "Is that woman really a man?" and realizing these beautiful men were people. It was a turn of the stomach at the sight of any old Caucasian man. "What are they here for?" I asked myself, knowing I was probably surrounded by brothels hidden away from tourists such as myself, but all too easy to find for those who wanted to. By the way, those perverts are people, too. As are their targets. Such a messy world we live in.
It was exotic plants and food, ancient architecture, geckos, and alone time with my husband. It was a whole lot to take into my eclectic mind. Yet in the back there remained a spot for Panya, my sponsored child who I was oh, so close to but did not have the time to see.
I planned almost every detail of the second week, hoping I could find time, but we already could not fit in everything we had to do. My heart ached. I finally had my husband to myself, yes! But besides my quiet time, I saw very little of my Jesus, and I ached for Panya.
And then the sound of the music playing, a guitar and "We are the World" sang in bad English. Young Thai people were asking for money for starving children. Christians, in fact. My companions were rolling eyes and almost angered, but I grabbed Sook's hand- "Give them something!" So he did.
"For Panya," I thought. I was happy. I was at peace.
I have no idea how they used the money. I hope it went for a good cause. They had given me some literature- but at that point I didn't care. I was so darn happy.
I look at this world through the eyes of someone that is not me- white, comfortably Christian, middle-class... I see it through my husband's eyes- one who converted. I see it through those that have been seriously hurt by Christians on a crusade, confused by religion, or simply not interested because, well, they are not white and middle class. "Christianity is a white man's religion..." I've heard more than once by my minority friends.
This world is far more complicated than I pretend to understand. I don't have the answers. I don't want a crusade. I don't want to be a Pharisee. I don't want religion. I want my Jesus. I am angered when he is misrepresented with legislation, media, and end-time prophecies. If we only really knew Him! I want the strength to love people even when I am not comfortable. I want no agenda, but simply obedience.
I don't want to feed and clothe Panya so he can survive. I want him to get a chance at life that he would not have had otherwise. A chance to make a difference. That is who Jesus was- or is- the difference maker. The game changer. They guy that blows your mind with his way of loving because it is beyond what my self righteous mind can scheme.
I want to follow my Jesus and see the results with joy when I am with Him at the end. That is what I want. But wanting and doing are very different things. I am finding that Jesus is complicated. He is mind-blowing holy and scum-loving at the same time. How do you follow that? Not with human thinking.
I'm not there, but I know where I want to be.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Count It All Joy (part 1)
In the book of James, he writes about counting trials as joy.
This is where we roll our eyes and sigh.
But... it is in the Bible, so maybe its possible- right?
James 1:2-8
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
After my husband lost a large part of our income, I immediately read this verse. I rolled my eyes. But before I slammed the Bible shut I considered that I may have something to learn here, and it turns out I did! So I would like to share a few things that we can have joy about.
The first thing to do is put a firm stamp right on the problem to declare something good (and by good, I mean fantastic) will come out of it.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
True, according to these verses fantastic things will come after we have been patient enough, eliminated doubting, and are living within the purpose of God. Sounds quite daunting in the midst of a trial. But then again, why would we want it any other way? This is our life- the only one we get. Is it worth it to shut up and endure while God works out His perfect plan? I dare say so, because worse than the trial is the thought of not experiencing the adventure of what I was made for.
Endure to see the fantastic.
This is where we roll our eyes and sigh.
But... it is in the Bible, so maybe its possible- right?
James 1:2-8
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
After my husband lost a large part of our income, I immediately read this verse. I rolled my eyes. But before I slammed the Bible shut I considered that I may have something to learn here, and it turns out I did! So I would like to share a few things that we can have joy about.
The first thing to do is put a firm stamp right on the problem to declare something good (and by good, I mean fantastic) will come out of it.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
True, according to these verses fantastic things will come after we have been patient enough, eliminated doubting, and are living within the purpose of God. Sounds quite daunting in the midst of a trial. But then again, why would we want it any other way? This is our life- the only one we get. Is it worth it to shut up and endure while God works out His perfect plan? I dare say so, because worse than the trial is the thought of not experiencing the adventure of what I was made for.
Endure to see the fantastic.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Peace in Bloom
The last 12 months may have taken off five years of my life. There were days where I would wake up in terror, wondering how I could get through the day myself not to mention that I had four children to care for.
I'm not sure what is more fearful, the cause of the fear or fear itself. It seems to overtake your thinking in all areas. I dare admit that the thing I feared is not nearly as horrible as what most women face in this world. For that, I was thankful and sometimes ashamed, because I'd let it get to me again.
But here is the good news: There is a peace to match the fear. That is a fact. No matter the circumstances, it is there and it is possible to attain. I knew that, but getting there was not always easy.
And then one day, it was. After 12 months of roller coasters, I didn't have to fight it anymore. I just believed. I didn't need to justify my thoughts or map out a game plan, I just was overtaken by hope and joy. My heart rested. My circumstances worsened. My heart rested. My heart rested.
My circumstances improved. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested. My prayers went up. They were answered. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested.
And what I 've began to realize that the fear has cost me my love for teaching, my creativity, my thanksgiving for my children, and whatever else had given me joy.
Fear steals, so find the truth. Hold on until it becomes an undeniable reality, because if you don't give up, peace will bloom. And with peace, we are able to make this world a bit better for someone else.
I'm not sure what is more fearful, the cause of the fear or fear itself. It seems to overtake your thinking in all areas. I dare admit that the thing I feared is not nearly as horrible as what most women face in this world. For that, I was thankful and sometimes ashamed, because I'd let it get to me again.
But here is the good news: There is a peace to match the fear. That is a fact. No matter the circumstances, it is there and it is possible to attain. I knew that, but getting there was not always easy.
And then one day, it was. After 12 months of roller coasters, I didn't have to fight it anymore. I just believed. I didn't need to justify my thoughts or map out a game plan, I just was overtaken by hope and joy. My heart rested. My circumstances worsened. My heart rested. My heart rested.
My circumstances improved. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested. My prayers went up. They were answered. My faith was strengthened. My heart rested.
And what I 've began to realize that the fear has cost me my love for teaching, my creativity, my thanksgiving for my children, and whatever else had given me joy.
Fear steals, so find the truth. Hold on until it becomes an undeniable reality, because if you don't give up, peace will bloom. And with peace, we are able to make this world a bit better for someone else.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Gifts
Every day a gift awaits, specifically designed for you on that particular day, you can expect that it will be there.
We miss it often, not looking for it, expecting something different, distracted by worries....
But if we live wide-eyed in anticipation, we see it. And it changes us.
The splendor of the sky, the color of a cardinal, the smile of a stranger, the unexpected blessings. These are gifts, but the gift is only as valuable as the thankfulness of the receiver. And the more thankful we are, the richer we become.
And the more glimpses we get of the giver, the creator, the one that knows what we need when we need it, today and forever.
What if we properly received every single gift?
We miss it often, not looking for it, expecting something different, distracted by worries....
But if we live wide-eyed in anticipation, we see it. And it changes us.
The splendor of the sky, the color of a cardinal, the smile of a stranger, the unexpected blessings. These are gifts, but the gift is only as valuable as the thankfulness of the receiver. And the more thankful we are, the richer we become.
And the more glimpses we get of the giver, the creator, the one that knows what we need when we need it, today and forever.
What if we properly received every single gift?
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Holy
This is a Compassion blog assignment:
Choose one word to embody 2014
Holy.
I didn't have to think too hard, because this is what has consumed me for a few weeks now. Where did I miss this? Did I really take grace so lightly that I assume it's okay to sigh away holiness?
Because this is what I see missing. We need this sense of something huge to be a part of. We need a reason to put ourselves in danger, to take risks, to fail, then learn, then repeat. Holiness means worthiness. But in order to make this statement true, we need to understand just how extreme holiness is.
We look at the world around us and see the evil. It is extreme. We wonder just how bad it must have been in Noah's day if God destroyed the world then but we are still allowed to breathe. We as a human race are still allowed to kill, destroy lives, spread diseases, enslave, torture, and treat others less than animals. We have seen genocide and persecution, slaughtered babies, dishonest gain at the cost of others, we've forgotten integrity, and we cut apart our neighbors with our tongues. It is a horrible place to live in, anyone can see that.
The part we have forgotten is the extreme holiness of God. For every evil report that reaches our eyes and ears, God's holiness is far more extreme.
The Lord of Hosts, Him shall you hallow;
Let Him be your fear,
And let Him be your dread.- Isaiah 8:13
It is not that I dread the Lord. No, I cling to Him. But in contrast to the fear of anything that is a product of this world, I will fear God instead. I will fear the disrespect I will give if I pay more time and attention to the works of my cowardly enemy than the maker of heaven and earth. He is Holy.
Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand,
Measured heaven with a span
And calculated the dust of the earth in a measure?
Weighed the mountains in scales
And the hills in a balance?
Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord,
Or as His counselor has taught Him?
With whom did He take counsel, and who instructed Him,
And taught Him in the path of justice?
Who taught Him knowledge,
And showed Him the way of understanding?
Behold, the nations are as a drop in a bucket,
And are counted as the small dust on the scales;
Look, He lifts up the isles as a very little thing.
And Lebanon is not sufficient to burn,
Nor its beasts sufficient for a burnt offering.
All nations before Him are as nothing,
And they are counted by Him less than nothing and worthless.
.........
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth,
It is He who sits above the circle of the earth,
And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,
Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in.
He brings the princes to nothing;
He makes the judges of the earth useless.- Isaiah 40:12-17,21-24
But it is not over yet, because upon meditating on the extreme holiness of God, despair may set in. He is too high for me. I am only a grasshopper in his sight. How can anything good come of that?
God isn't just big, but his detail goes down to the microscopic cells in every species of life, the beauty of life under the sea, unknown to us on land. He has detail in every snowflake, and numbers the hairs on our heads.
Nothing- big or small- done by the almighty is ever in vain. Every word He speaks has meaning, every creature has purpose, and every person has a plan written for them.
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.
The Whole earth is filled with His glory. - Isaiah 6:3
In the old testament, God was in the Holy of Holies, the place where only the High Priest could enter once a year, only under specific conditions, with strict laws.
Yet God is just. and He gave His son as a sacrifice, with the sin and sickness of the world piled upon the most Holy man ever to walk the earth and allowed him to suffer the most cruel death to satisfy His wrath.
So we can walk straight into the Holiest place. We can come boldly to the throne of grace. (Hebrews 10:19)
And upon knowing this:
The severity of His Holiness
The severity of our sin
The severity of His sacrifice
The severity of His love
The severity of greatness, this gift we have.
We can begin to find the holiness at work in our very lives. We start to value that which we took for granted. We set time aside for prayer with this most Holy Being. We set aside resources for God to use to display His glory to another. We change our words, our actions, and we see meaning throughout our otherwise mundane lives. We value our natural resources, and rearrange our priorities.
It probably does not look spectacular from the outside, but it is a world of difference from within. Rediscover holy.
So though the earth quakes and mountains crumble, God is not in it. He is the still, small voice. Evil needs to appear powerful to gain strength, but God knows His strength is the smallest whisper.
In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength. -Isaiah 30:15a
How does this change child sponsorship? Everything. It is no longer an act for the greater good. It is holy work. It is setting apart something to give to someone, setting apart time to write a letter, setting apart a piece of my heart for a child that was created by God and divinely connected to my family and I. This is most assuredly changing us, but God is bigger than that. He is changing the life of this child, and teaching him. He is set apart for something great.
As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it with the ability that God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and dominion forever and ever.- 1Peter 4:10-11
This coming year I resolve to rediscover holy. I wish to see the earth filled with His glory. I wish to find strength in quietness and confidence. I trust that there will be unseen returns through His grace.
Choose one word to embody 2014
Holy.
I didn't have to think too hard, because this is what has consumed me for a few weeks now. Where did I miss this? Did I really take grace so lightly that I assume it's okay to sigh away holiness?
Because this is what I see missing. We need this sense of something huge to be a part of. We need a reason to put ourselves in danger, to take risks, to fail, then learn, then repeat. Holiness means worthiness. But in order to make this statement true, we need to understand just how extreme holiness is.
We look at the world around us and see the evil. It is extreme. We wonder just how bad it must have been in Noah's day if God destroyed the world then but we are still allowed to breathe. We as a human race are still allowed to kill, destroy lives, spread diseases, enslave, torture, and treat others less than animals. We have seen genocide and persecution, slaughtered babies, dishonest gain at the cost of others, we've forgotten integrity, and we cut apart our neighbors with our tongues. It is a horrible place to live in, anyone can see that.
The part we have forgotten is the extreme holiness of God. For every evil report that reaches our eyes and ears, God's holiness is far more extreme.
The Lord of Hosts, Him shall you hallow;
Let Him be your fear,
And let Him be your dread.- Isaiah 8:13
It is not that I dread the Lord. No, I cling to Him. But in contrast to the fear of anything that is a product of this world, I will fear God instead. I will fear the disrespect I will give if I pay more time and attention to the works of my cowardly enemy than the maker of heaven and earth. He is Holy.
Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand,
Measured heaven with a span
And calculated the dust of the earth in a measure?
Weighed the mountains in scales
And the hills in a balance?
Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord,
Or as His counselor has taught Him?
With whom did He take counsel, and who instructed Him,
And taught Him in the path of justice?
Who taught Him knowledge,
And showed Him the way of understanding?
Behold, the nations are as a drop in a bucket,
And are counted as the small dust on the scales;
Look, He lifts up the isles as a very little thing.
And Lebanon is not sufficient to burn,
Nor its beasts sufficient for a burnt offering.
All nations before Him are as nothing,
And they are counted by Him less than nothing and worthless.
.........
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth,
It is He who sits above the circle of the earth,
And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,
Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in.
He brings the princes to nothing;
He makes the judges of the earth useless.- Isaiah 40:12-17,21-24
But it is not over yet, because upon meditating on the extreme holiness of God, despair may set in. He is too high for me. I am only a grasshopper in his sight. How can anything good come of that?
God isn't just big, but his detail goes down to the microscopic cells in every species of life, the beauty of life under the sea, unknown to us on land. He has detail in every snowflake, and numbers the hairs on our heads.
Nothing- big or small- done by the almighty is ever in vain. Every word He speaks has meaning, every creature has purpose, and every person has a plan written for them.
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.
The Whole earth is filled with His glory. - Isaiah 6:3
In the old testament, God was in the Holy of Holies, the place where only the High Priest could enter once a year, only under specific conditions, with strict laws.
Yet God is just. and He gave His son as a sacrifice, with the sin and sickness of the world piled upon the most Holy man ever to walk the earth and allowed him to suffer the most cruel death to satisfy His wrath.
So we can walk straight into the Holiest place. We can come boldly to the throne of grace. (Hebrews 10:19)
And upon knowing this:
The severity of His Holiness
The severity of our sin
The severity of His sacrifice
The severity of His love
The severity of greatness, this gift we have.
We can begin to find the holiness at work in our very lives. We start to value that which we took for granted. We set time aside for prayer with this most Holy Being. We set aside resources for God to use to display His glory to another. We change our words, our actions, and we see meaning throughout our otherwise mundane lives. We value our natural resources, and rearrange our priorities.
It probably does not look spectacular from the outside, but it is a world of difference from within. Rediscover holy.
So though the earth quakes and mountains crumble, God is not in it. He is the still, small voice. Evil needs to appear powerful to gain strength, but God knows His strength is the smallest whisper.
In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength. -Isaiah 30:15a
How does this change child sponsorship? Everything. It is no longer an act for the greater good. It is holy work. It is setting apart something to give to someone, setting apart time to write a letter, setting apart a piece of my heart for a child that was created by God and divinely connected to my family and I. This is most assuredly changing us, but God is bigger than that. He is changing the life of this child, and teaching him. He is set apart for something great.
As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it with the ability that God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and dominion forever and ever.- 1Peter 4:10-11
This coming year I resolve to rediscover holy. I wish to see the earth filled with His glory. I wish to find strength in quietness and confidence. I trust that there will be unseen returns through His grace.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Between Selfish and Vain Piety
Some people make selfishness sexy. Some have mastered the art "humbly" letting everyone know how unselfish they are. And I, in my (what I like to think) my most sincere desire to be close to God, debate within myself which is more right.
Obviously to anyone outside of myself, the answer is neither, but somehow things like this take up way too much space in my mind.
Meanwhile, Jesus waits for me to get over myself and come on over and talk to Him. But to me, Jesus is that guy that is so awesome I wonder what it would be like to be around Him all the time, to have Him look on me with affection and become my knight in shining armor.
He keeps waiting.
I keep dreaming, wondering where it is between selfish and vain piety that I will find Him.
Then He gets my attention and says, "If you really know me, you won't even notice the selfish, the vain, or even yourself. You are mine, and that is what matters."
What a thought.
Obviously to anyone outside of myself, the answer is neither, but somehow things like this take up way too much space in my mind.
Meanwhile, Jesus waits for me to get over myself and come on over and talk to Him. But to me, Jesus is that guy that is so awesome I wonder what it would be like to be around Him all the time, to have Him look on me with affection and become my knight in shining armor.
He keeps waiting.
I keep dreaming, wondering where it is between selfish and vain piety that I will find Him.
Then He gets my attention and says, "If you really know me, you won't even notice the selfish, the vain, or even yourself. You are mine, and that is what matters."
What a thought.
1 Corinthians 3:18-23
New International Reader's Version (NIRV)
18 Don’t fool yourselves. Suppose some of you think you are wise by the standards of the world. Then you should become a “fool” so that you can become wise.
19 The wisdom of this world is foolish in God’s eyes. It is written, “God catches wise people in their own tricks.” (Job 5:13) 20 It is also written, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise don’t amount to anything.” (Psalm 94:11)
21 So no more bragging about human beings! All things are yours. 22 That means Paul or Apollos or Peter or the world or life or death or the present or the future. All are yours. 23 You are joined to Christ and belong to him. And Christ is joined to God.
19 The wisdom of this world is foolish in God’s eyes. It is written, “God catches wise people in their own tricks.” (Job 5:13) 20 It is also written, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise don’t amount to anything.” (Psalm 94:11)
21 So no more bragging about human beings! All things are yours. 22 That means Paul or Apollos or Peter or the world or life or death or the present or the future. All are yours. 23 You are joined to Christ and belong to him. And Christ is joined to God.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Sowing Tears
My latest Bible study ended today. I almost did not do this one. I missed the first, forgot about the second, and still did not have a book by the third. But I did it, God knew I needed it.
The Psalms of Ascent. Mamas, we need to know these songs.
One particular Psalm resonates in my mind today.
The Psalms of Ascent. Mamas, we need to know these songs.
One particular Psalm resonates in my mind today.
Psalm 126
When the Lord brought back the
captives to Zion,
We were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord has done great things for us,
The Lord has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like streams in the Negev,
Those who sow in tears
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.
How many tears have we sown? How many sighs and tired smiles? Searching for my coffee mug while half asleep, winces while paying bills? Aching to be with our children when we cannot, wishes for a night out, or prayers of questioning why evil can continue?
There are times I am so impatient with my life. I think I must be wasting away my days surrounded by clutter and piles of laundry. And God reminds me the sowing is never wasted. Every single day is not wasted when something is sown.
The tears we sow show us we desire more. They show us we need a rescue. They show us we are alive and believe there is something superior to attain.
Keep sowing, keep praying, keep persevering, keep asking. Because, this promise remains. He who goes out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with Him.
That day will come.
Job said, "For I know that my Redeemer lives."(Job 19:25)
In Isaiah, "I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD." (Isaiah 45:3)
Jesus said, "In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart! I have overcome the world". (John 16:33)
Keep sowing. God was so good to give us and everyone else a free will. He gave us the opportunity to fight, to search, to sow. And in the end, we will be privileged to see our own redemption, which will be even sweeter when we remember our tears.
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